According to most people, the turkey is the most important part of the Thanksgiving meal. We’ll show you how to buy a turkey on this lesson of Grocery School.

Key Points:

• Buy Grade A
• Typically people eat about .75 pounds of turkey.

If you have a family member with Celiac disease or a wheat allergy, traditional Thanksgiving stuffing, rolls, and pie crusts are off the menu. Luckily, there are all kinds of alternatives.

The good news is most of your favorite foods are completely Celiac/Wheat Allergy friendly. Mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, green beans, carrots, and apple cider are fine. You’re going to have problems with the two big staples of holiday goodness, though: dressing and pumpkin pie.

Pumpkin pie is easy to modify. All you have to do is leave off the crust and call it a pumpkin mousse.  End of problem.

The stumbling block is dressing. It’s a big wheaty bread pudding.  The two easiest substitutes are rice dressing and cornbread dressing.

You have to be careful with the cornbread dressing. A lot of cornbreads are actually a blend of corn and wheat. Make sure you buy stone ground corn meal and make it from scratch instead of starting with cornbread you buy from the store.

If your celiac or wheat allergic guest craves the old fashioned bread dressing they grew up with, you can buy specially made gluten free breads to make your own bread cubes. Making everything completely from scratch is a little more work.  If you do it, go ahead and add some texture with apples and cranberries or plenty of onions and celery.

I love Jones soda. They’re always willing to think outside the bottle. Thus they not only brought us the truly vile Turkey and Gravy soda, but also an entire Thanksgiving Gift Pack that included sweet potato, dinner roll, and cranberry sodas.

Luckily, we live in a free market system where no one bottling a carbonated version of liquefied turkey and gravy can make a profit. If you really want to bring the flavors of the holiday to a friend on a liquid diet, you’ll have to visit eBay, where prices start at $25.

America can’t get enough bacon. You can clothe yourself in bacon, bake a bacon cake with a side of bacon ice creams or smuggle a purse full of bacon candy and desserts into the movies.

That’s not enough. It’s time to take your love of bacon to the next level. Now you can decorate your home with bacon so it’s sizzle or symbolism is with you every moment of the day.

Bacon Lampshade

First thing in the morning, you’ll be greeted to the warm glow of slowly cooking bacon by your bedside. Make sure you use an old school 100 watt incandescent bulb. By the time you get out of the shower you should be able to gnaw your lampshade clean. If you’re really clever, put the lamp in a cake pan and gradually collect each morning’s drippings. Them’s good eats.

Bacon Soap

While your lampshade gently cooks, make your body ritually clean with symbolic bacon before partaking of the real thing.

Bacon Toilet Paper

As you reap, so shall you sow. As you eat, so shall you excrete. Who needs fiber?

Bacon Christmas Tree Ornament

You don’t think Santa developed his Jelly Belly eating salads, do you? Cook your chocolate chip cookies with bacon grease from your lamp drippings and hang this symbol of porky pride on your tree. You may get a little something special in your stocking.

Bacon Pillowcase

When at last you rest your head, let it be upon a bed of bacony delight. All night long, fleecy thoughts of crisp, salty goodness will protect you from evil fantasies of stapling requisition forms to your coworkers foreheads. It’ll also remind you to restock your lampshade before going to bed.